Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Time heals everything 🙂

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

*checks Timeline*…

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes