Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.