Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.