Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
this chia pet tastes awful
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?