Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids