Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
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me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen