Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
You Might Also Like
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Good news
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My flabber has been gasted.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day