Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
You Might Also Like
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
The smoothest fall of all time
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.