ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Milk Cube
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
So that’s what we looked like?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
