Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy