Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
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Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
A completely valid reaction tbh
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.