ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
You Might Also Like
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.