ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
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To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.