@Staggfilms

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

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@AdamUrbane

This hammock is the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.

@Jenny4ashley

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

@huntigula

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

@amechamecha

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

@BraandoCommando

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

@2browneyedboys

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

@Marlebean

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

@joshgondelman

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

@markleggett

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.