Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
