Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
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told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Anyone really
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]