Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

I only treason on days ending in y

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.