Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training