Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

this… may be the greatest story ever told

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing