Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

No Google it does not

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

nobody’s gonna understand

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

they see me scrollin

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.