add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Whoa 😂
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
And now we wait