add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
no refunds
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses