Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.