Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

*exercises sarcastically*

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH