Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
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Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
three things we don’t talk about
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?