Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

fair

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.