Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.