Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days