Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Cardio Made Easy
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I need to sieze this.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try