Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
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The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.