Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
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I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
🤔😂😂
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
“you changed” bro i was 15
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty