addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Need WebMD
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.