Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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Me: has anyone else worn this?
Interviewer: um, no
Me: that’s because no one else is willing to go [wings pop out on my buzz lightyear costume] to infinity and beyond for this job
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.
Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?
“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.
*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*
God *using a bear to dry his face*
Angel: OMG what are You doing?!
God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down
The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.