addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

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Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….


Me: has anyone else worn this?

Interviewer: um, no

Me: that’s because no one else is willing to go [wings pop out on my buzz lightyear costume] to infinity and beyond for this job


“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market


Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.

Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday


Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.


*wife phones*


“Hi! Did you clean the house?”


“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”


My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat


Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.

*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*


God *using a bear to dry his face*

Angel: OMG what are You doing?!

God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down


The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.