addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Inside you there are two wolves
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Not all heroes wear capes….
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Help
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
<- sleeps well with others
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet