added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
You Might Also Like
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?