added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
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TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded