added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Can. I. Help. You.
