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A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
🙂🐾
the way this pissed me off… 😭
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…