@johnbiehl

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

You Might Also Like

@shutupheav

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@OfficeofSteve

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

@lucky_300

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

@OctopusCaveman

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

@d_haggar

I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.

@thecassiecao

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

@jonnysun

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

@markleggett

I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.