Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts