@johnbiehl

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

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@lmwortho

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

@bonehugsnirony

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

@jdforshort

Green smoothies because who has the time or energy to chew 17 cups of spinach/lettuce/kale

@trojansauce

DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage

@RandomManik

Sometimes I ponder over things like,

-What is life?

-Where am I going?

&

-What the hell is a “spokes” person for a bike company called?

@smhluckyme

{Him going to turn on the faucet outside}.

Me: You don’t want to do that.

Him: Sure I do (gets sprayed in the face).

Him: You could’ve told me there was a hole at the top of the hose line.

Me: No, you could have asked “why?” When I said “you don’t want to do that.

@ceejoyner

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

@fowlerism

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

@BromanConsul

GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again