Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

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The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children


Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich


Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries


Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..



“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.


I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.


why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti


me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old


I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.