The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I like making babies… Unsuccessfully, of course.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.