Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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absolutely not
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!