Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

They got a point!

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.