Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
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What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
plant them where lol
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.