Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Yup

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.