Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

This dude got his own movie?

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him