Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

This meeting could have been a cake

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’