adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
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Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.