adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
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me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Pickled cat.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
$3 #books
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.