Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
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PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
What?!?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Before & after 😅
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
i think both sides are to blame here
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.