Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.