Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
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Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Seems a bit forward
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?