Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
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the composer
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
A wise man once said nothing.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!