Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
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“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?