Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
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Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother