Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down