Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.