Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Never be a pizza!

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

“FOUND ‘EM!”

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you