Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.