Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
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fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call