Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.