Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
