Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
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Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets