Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
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Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.