Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
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FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread