Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
You Might Also Like
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Generation gap…
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.