Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I came this close!!!!
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
oh you like architecture? name three walls
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.