Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
LA today:
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.