adding to the discourse
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.