adding to the discourse
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ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.