Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

That took me a moment.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

concern

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.