Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?