Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Only you can prevent podcasts
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.