Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Short story
