Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.