*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
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so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same